Exorcist Needed ASAP

 
My work phone is possessed. By what? Satan most likely. Unless I'm calling a local number it is almost impossible to get through. Let me paint you a picture.

Once a month the Doctor goes to this small, tiny, little town in Nevada. I've obviously never been to this ridiculously small town but I've heard the stories. The most fabulous and ridiculous stories of the most crazy and insane people. The Doctor went to help someone take of their shoes so he could trim their nails and guess what he found in the shoes? Go ahead, guess.

Poop

No lie. Not some animal poo on the outside that maybe they had stepped in. Human poo. INSIDE the shoe. Classy. These people are uber classy. I'm assuming that you've all got a nice picture of this town in your lovely heads now. Moving on!

So, it is my job to call these patients and set up appointments for them when their turn is up. They obviously cannot be trusted to call and make their own appointments. Most of these patients are older, most of them are confused about what I'm calling about, most of them claim they don't see this Doctor, and most of them apparently poop in their shoes.

But before I even get to have these glorious conversations with these glorious people I have to actually get through to them on Satan's phone. I'll break down how it works:

Attempt #1:   "Your call cannot be completed as dialed, please hang up and try again"

Attempt #2:   "The number you are dialing has been disconnected"  (no it hasn't!)

Attempt #3:   The phone starts to ring! YES! Then complete silence after the first and only ring. NO!

Attempt #4:    Silence

Attempt #5:    Ringing, followed with the above confusing conversation. Did I mention that I'm yelling my part of the conversation because apparently no one can hear and no one owns hearing aids. It's a good time.

This is actually a pretty good representation of how EVERY SINGLE call goes. Every call takes an average of 5 times to finally go through, some more, some less. Not time consuming at all. And sometimes my phone decides to go even more berserk.

I'll finally get a hold of someone and while I can hear them, they can't hear me. Sigh.

Ringing.... Silence... Busy signal

Busy signal.... Ringing..... Silence

Ringing.... Ringing... Loud, horrible, ear piercing tone

*My Personal Favorite* The phone will be ringing and someone will answer. Then as soon as I try to respond the phone will start ringing again. What the freaking heck is going on?

Clearly Satan's phone doesn't like this town either. I think I need an exorcist.